The other side of me...

Most of the time, I suppress the negative side of me- the anger, jealousy, stubbornness, etc. etc.
Suppress them from coming into public view, that is.
Those close to me will definitely have atleast a glimpse of it, and maybe coz of it they are close to me.

All the years I've thought that being a "good" girl is a admirable goal.
But that goal has been so tiresome and depressing.
Its such a burden to be labelled a good person and look within myself to see all those negative traits.

Thanks to the books i've read and people i've met, i've come to realise that the so-called negative things are not so bad after all.
I can still feel them... I can see them but knowing that i can the control them (uhm, sometimes) is so self-satisfying, that am kind of proud to be myself.

I just keep one thing in mind.
Its tough to label myself as good and then notice and suppress the faults in me.
Instead, I see myself as bad and notice and be proud of the good in me :)
Twisted thinking, but works for me.
Kind of Glass half empty/full theory.

And the ultimate goal is not to be good or bad.. but to be myself.. the authentic ME. Right?

Full Circle

In school Maths class, there were questions like, given two formula "a" and "b" prove a=b.
So we would start out operating on "a", and applying all the theorems we know, try to bring out "b" from twisting and transforming "a".
Sometimes the end result of those transformations lead back to "a"... Hence we end up proving, a=a. :)
It was worth the laugh to realise we spent all that time, effort and theorems, go full circle and come back to prove a=a

In search of God, i keep reading so many books, keep looking out to find Him...for some secret access code and it ultimately leads back to oneself.
Read any religious book, somewhere or other you'll find that statement, that God can be found only in oneself, and not outside...
Travel full circle, and back to oneself agn.

I don't exactly know whats the common point between the maths theorem and the search for God.
Somehow my mind links those two as similar.... perhaps its the point that start and end points were same in both context, so posted them here in same place....

The road less travelled...

Yesterday eve, I was waiting to catch an auto home. Usual fare is Rs.80, which is 20 more than the auto meter charge BTW.
Few of autowalas ask 100+ which is not so surprising as the area I work is full of IT companies. And people usually have the impression that IT ppl will spend any amount uselessly, which is partially true ofcourse.
Finally this auto came and the driver after thinking a minute over the area and the fare I said, he accepted.
I got into it with relief coz the driver looked decent.
I observed that the more calm and decent the driver looks then the lesser they complain about the fare or traffic.
What I didn't realise then was how the drive home would turn out to be...

The normal routine shortest distance route is usually busy. Traffic jams common.
So when the driver took another route, I was not surprised and didn't ask him anything.
But the change of route didn't end there.
He took so many turns and totally unknown roads to me that I was wondering whether he heard me right about the address.

Still I decided to trust the guys instinct and didn't ask him.
Primary reason being the new route was so much better... Full of green.. Wild grass on the side of the roads, bumpy countryside roads, and trees all around.
Tough to spot such area in middle of a busy city.
There was no blaring music in the auto. The driver was silent. I was silent.
And blissful peace all around.
There were a few passerbys along the road-couple of bikes and cars here and there...so it didn't feel dangerous or risky.

I didn't see the time it took to reach home.
It was definitely a longer route. But totally worth the time and distance.
Not a single traffic signal all the way long.

I paid the money gratefully and complimented him on the new route.
As I write this, I silently thank the driver for showing me such a rich green route home.

******************************************************************************

"...
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
..."

((From the famous poem "The Road Less Traveled" by Robert Frost))

Vision of God

I love watching old telugu movies which have lots of 'maaya'. magic - good or bad form...
Esp. the ones with stories from religious books...

In all the movies, the part I loved best is the common ending... with the beloved Deity appearing before the devotee in shining form, with all bells ringing...

When I was a kid, i wondered how it would be if that happened to me.
I was humble and realistic enough even then to realise that it won't happen to me in waking moments.
So, just wondered if I can see God is my dreams if I keep chanting His name over and over throughout the day... Seriously, I believed that, if somehow I begged Him to bless me with a vision, He'll surely appear in the dream...

Arnd 11yrs old and full of curiosity, eagerness and excitement at such a thought. I finally fixed a day to think of God whole day. But somehow day was spent in playing, so i decided atleast an hour before sleep should be good enough time to chant.
I lied down on bed, closed and started thinking of Lord Shiv, and kept repeating the name silently in mind.
But after 10 min of doing so, a panic wave hit me.
What if really God appeared in my dreams??!!!
How will He look like. The bright image and bells ringing which looked awesome on TV, somehow sounded scary in that silent dark night when everyone else was sleeping.

Full of fear that i might actually get such vision, i stopped chanting and tried to go to sleep.
All the time, sincerely requesting God not to show me any such dream, no matter how great and wonderful it is.

After lots of tossing and turning in bed, finally went to sleep.
Routine dreamless sleep.
And woke up with relief.

When i think back of that day, i laugh at how scared I was that night...Seeing God scared me as much as seeing a ghost :) ....
Somewhere up above, God must have had a hearty laugh at my state too....