Ask for???

I asked God for...
1) the freedom of being a grown-up, and He showed me how responsibilties feel like...
2) the taste of spending money freely, and He showed me how debts look like...
3) the feel of being in Love, and He showed me how heart-break feels like...


Dear God, if You are reading... We are having some obvious communication gaps and we need to talk !!!

Q&A

Over the years I had so many puzzling questions and heard equally puzzling answers...
The questions came a little early and answers late and even when they did arrive didn't make much sense.
Looking back, i realise that there were no wrong questions and no right answers...
And in fact its the Silence in between and beyond that made me who I am...

"Clinging, I shall die of boredom...."
This line is what i think whenever i think of job here in IT.
The money ... the experience.. the people i've met.. the changes in me.. all were good.
IT has given me more i could have asked for and am thankful for everything received.

But time is up now.
Time to move on....

May i be blessed to be strong enough to deliver my best till the time i resign here...

Mission Marriage

"When the bride is ready, the groom arrives"
...teacher student quote in the matrimonial context.

My Groom nowhere in sight, so maybe there's something i need to learn.. maybe am not ready yet...

i enjoy being single. but there are times like this when marriage feels like a solution, a gateway to eternal freedom n bliss.

When i think of lifestyle change for instance.
Am sure i'll quit working in IT once am Mrs.Soulmate... and i can't wait for that day to arrive. no, not exactly the wedding day, but the day i'll submit resignation once and for all....

Anyways, max a year n single or not, am gonna change my FB status to married ;-P

Feeling sleepy. bye for now.

A writer lives life so he can write about it.

To him, every smile, every tear is more than an emotion- its a story in motion... (:D well, i like rhyming words)

Publish Post

Time flies...

How time flies.
These days its like kind of sleep-walking, sleep-working, whole day....
Am working but not totally there...
Just want out of this regular job, but don't know where to go..
(Picture a lady in desert with just sand and space all around...)
There must be more to life than just earning a living...

For Singles Only

When single, relationship word brings up a sigh in most people, especially if they were not in a long term relation before.

Its mostly due to the feeling that there's a gap, which one feels will be filled someone "special" is there in life to share everything.
Believe me, one can feel whole and complete even when single, if you know how to enjoy the state...

Be in relationship, with the most special person in ur life who's never going to leave you, who'll always be with you, accept you just as you are .. be, in relation with urself...
well, ones own self answers all those criteria which one looks for in a relation, doesn't it?
Listen to songs, and imagine the guy/gal is singing all those praises exclusive for u..
Buy something you love, small things.. something which u'll expect when in relation... buy for urself..
Cook something fancy for yourself...
Treat yourself like royalty... Pamper yourself...
Forgive yourself for all small and big mistakes as you would for a person you love... accept yourself totally...

And i believe the sigh which comes most often then, is the sigh of contentment, of the simplicity of Life... of the Happiness, of the Pure Love...
if one loves oneself totally, without restrictions, conditions...

Arranged marriage

I was sixteen when I first declared to my mom that I'll never ever go for arranged marriage.
Just imagine, you see a photo, talk for couple of days and then decide to spend rest of life together !!!
Thats one definition for Madness, i thought back then..

Now? well, time taught me that noone remains the same.
Love marriage or arranged, people keep changing.

In fact, Love matches can cause more pain coz of the expectations and false images we have of each other.
Love match, you expect the best after marriage and even minor issues appears depressing.
Arranged ones, you have no expectations, in fact most enter with a feeling of dread, that every small pleasure comes as a pleasant surprise and cause lots of happiness...
Plus, in arranged, you don't have to impress in-laws (after all they are the ones who came looking for you !) so half the battle is won.

and while i won't vote for arranged, am not against it either.

Thanks Life for the invaluable lesson

Orange

'Orange' (telugu movie)

I loved the story.
It shows relation in a realistic way, and I could relate to it so much.
Its abt the fickle emotions in 'Love'... how its good only for a short while and long term ones are more or less full of lies or compromises....

End was also kind of ok, with the moral, that if you keep breaking up with ppl for some excuses, in the end you will remain alone with those excuses...
Instead of that, whenever you are running out of Love, never lie, never act... but try to love a little more and then a little more.. and then you can have Love greater than the Ocean ....
Nice concept right :)

Hello

Long time. No see, no say :)
How come time goes so fast, and i still feel the same...
Have i changed or remained the same..
'Hi' and 'bye' come more easily now than before.
Perhaps, too easily....

Well lets see in what ways i feel changed:
1. Am actually thinking of marriage :D .... weighing the pros and cons of arranged marriage.
I still got time to think of it, so i'll cross this bridge when am there...

2. Still feel sad when ppl go far, but not for long and not so intense....

A long pause, and i can't think of anythg to write !!!

Time for a break.
Take care and bfn

The other side of me...

Most of the time, I suppress the negative side of me- the anger, jealousy, stubbornness, etc. etc.
Suppress them from coming into public view, that is.
Those close to me will definitely have atleast a glimpse of it, and maybe coz of it they are close to me.

All the years I've thought that being a "good" girl is a admirable goal.
But that goal has been so tiresome and depressing.
Its such a burden to be labelled a good person and look within myself to see all those negative traits.

Thanks to the books i've read and people i've met, i've come to realise that the so-called negative things are not so bad after all.
I can still feel them... I can see them but knowing that i can the control them (uhm, sometimes) is so self-satisfying, that am kind of proud to be myself.

I just keep one thing in mind.
Its tough to label myself as good and then notice and suppress the faults in me.
Instead, I see myself as bad and notice and be proud of the good in me :)
Twisted thinking, but works for me.
Kind of Glass half empty/full theory.

And the ultimate goal is not to be good or bad.. but to be myself.. the authentic ME. Right?

Full Circle

In school Maths class, there were questions like, given two formula "a" and "b" prove a=b.
So we would start out operating on "a", and applying all the theorems we know, try to bring out "b" from twisting and transforming "a".
Sometimes the end result of those transformations lead back to "a"... Hence we end up proving, a=a. :)
It was worth the laugh to realise we spent all that time, effort and theorems, go full circle and come back to prove a=a

In search of God, i keep reading so many books, keep looking out to find Him...for some secret access code and it ultimately leads back to oneself.
Read any religious book, somewhere or other you'll find that statement, that God can be found only in oneself, and not outside...
Travel full circle, and back to oneself agn.

I don't exactly know whats the common point between the maths theorem and the search for God.
Somehow my mind links those two as similar.... perhaps its the point that start and end points were same in both context, so posted them here in same place....

The road less travelled...

Yesterday eve, I was waiting to catch an auto home. Usual fare is Rs.80, which is 20 more than the auto meter charge BTW.
Few of autowalas ask 100+ which is not so surprising as the area I work is full of IT companies. And people usually have the impression that IT ppl will spend any amount uselessly, which is partially true ofcourse.
Finally this auto came and the driver after thinking a minute over the area and the fare I said, he accepted.
I got into it with relief coz the driver looked decent.
I observed that the more calm and decent the driver looks then the lesser they complain about the fare or traffic.
What I didn't realise then was how the drive home would turn out to be...

The normal routine shortest distance route is usually busy. Traffic jams common.
So when the driver took another route, I was not surprised and didn't ask him anything.
But the change of route didn't end there.
He took so many turns and totally unknown roads to me that I was wondering whether he heard me right about the address.

Still I decided to trust the guys instinct and didn't ask him.
Primary reason being the new route was so much better... Full of green.. Wild grass on the side of the roads, bumpy countryside roads, and trees all around.
Tough to spot such area in middle of a busy city.
There was no blaring music in the auto. The driver was silent. I was silent.
And blissful peace all around.
There were a few passerbys along the road-couple of bikes and cars here and there...so it didn't feel dangerous or risky.

I didn't see the time it took to reach home.
It was definitely a longer route. But totally worth the time and distance.
Not a single traffic signal all the way long.

I paid the money gratefully and complimented him on the new route.
As I write this, I silently thank the driver for showing me such a rich green route home.

******************************************************************************

"...
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
..."

((From the famous poem "The Road Less Traveled" by Robert Frost))

Vision of God

I love watching old telugu movies which have lots of 'maaya'. magic - good or bad form...
Esp. the ones with stories from religious books...

In all the movies, the part I loved best is the common ending... with the beloved Deity appearing before the devotee in shining form, with all bells ringing...

When I was a kid, i wondered how it would be if that happened to me.
I was humble and realistic enough even then to realise that it won't happen to me in waking moments.
So, just wondered if I can see God is my dreams if I keep chanting His name over and over throughout the day... Seriously, I believed that, if somehow I begged Him to bless me with a vision, He'll surely appear in the dream...

Arnd 11yrs old and full of curiosity, eagerness and excitement at such a thought. I finally fixed a day to think of God whole day. But somehow day was spent in playing, so i decided atleast an hour before sleep should be good enough time to chant.
I lied down on bed, closed and started thinking of Lord Shiv, and kept repeating the name silently in mind.
But after 10 min of doing so, a panic wave hit me.
What if really God appeared in my dreams??!!!
How will He look like. The bright image and bells ringing which looked awesome on TV, somehow sounded scary in that silent dark night when everyone else was sleeping.

Full of fear that i might actually get such vision, i stopped chanting and tried to go to sleep.
All the time, sincerely requesting God not to show me any such dream, no matter how great and wonderful it is.

After lots of tossing and turning in bed, finally went to sleep.
Routine dreamless sleep.
And woke up with relief.

When i think back of that day, i laugh at how scared I was that night...Seeing God scared me as much as seeing a ghost :) ....
Somewhere up above, God must have had a hearty laugh at my state too....

Fresher in IT...

After almost 6 yrs in IT now, am trying to recollect the first few days as a fresher in IT...

Here's the list of memorable times for me as a newbie in IT...

• Seeing my first company for the first time: Reached Bangalore a week before the joining date. Then just to familiarise myself with the office area, went on auto and in passing saw the building... Glass building, 8 floors, uniformed security near gate, and with the name of the company displayed with logo on the front side of building... I was filled with awe and a sense of pride, which i doubt even if the owner of the building or company would have ever felt...

• First lunch at cafetaria: 2 roti, variety-rice, white rice, dal, curry, rasam, sambhar, curd, pickle, papad, sweet, salad. What more can anyone ask for, was my first thought. Looked as good as a marriage feast to me then. I thought i'll never be satisfied with simple home meal again after getting used to this kind of "luxury". (What happens later on, after months or days of eating at office, well, that you all know)

• First company badge: Oooh, this one should have gone for first in list, but let it remain here in sequence. Collected company employee badge, smiled at my photo and name on it, wore it round my neck the very next moment. The bride who is just having the sacred thread tied around her neck, similar kind of feeling, i should say. So proud and happy....
  

• Freshers Training: A carefree relaxed 40 days training. Get to be trained in so many applications and technologies. Awesome training material-the books still on proud display at home. The best time in freshers life to make new friends for Life. Plus Lunch free, free, free!!!

A Reason to Smile...

When someone smiles or says they are happy, the first question pops up is "Why? What happened?"

But do we really need a reason to smile.. to be happy?

A smile is something which comes naturally to us... noone ever teaches us that...
Look how the baby smiles.. the best smile ever... who in Heaven's name taught something so beautiful and breath-taking to a newly born baby!!!...
Years pass by, and the spontaneous free natural smile of a baby gets replaced by a more polished expression which comes once in a while when we have a proper "reason" to celebrate something...

A reason to frown, yes, needed... but reason to smile?

Next time you catch yourself smiling for no reason, instead of questioning 'Why', replace it with 'Why not?' and keep smiling...

Journey to Hell

Have you seen the tamil movie Anniyan (dubbed as Aparichit/Aparichithudu in Hindi/Telugu).
In the movie, Garuda Puranam is quoted to have a list of sins which will lead to Hell and the kind of punishments which the 'sinners' have to face.

Till date, I've not been able to figure out a consistent definition for "Sin".
One thing I know - the most terrible sin out there is not being true to oneself.
And the punishment for that? A lifetime of Hell.... until you realise and find out your true self and go back to Heaven.

Hell is a state of mind. And here's the list of common "sins" which leads to it:
1) Being depressed:
Depression is the mindstate where the longer you stay in it, the lower you sink..
Like quicksand... pulls you in and in...
Even if there are friends around willing to pull you out and extend their hands, its YOU who have to reach out and help yourself out.
Lose the will to get out, then noone, repeat, noone can really help you.
The secret mantra to drive it out is "This too will pass". No matter how tough the situation may seem, its not going to last forever. "This too will pass"....
2) Self-degradation:
The quickest way to reach Hell is to let yourself down all the time. Every unkind word you say and believe against yourself, is one step towards Hell. People say there's a spark of God in each of us. Blame yourself and you blame the spark too.
Stop the blame game, on yourself and on others and feels how it feels to be YOU. a happy, fulfilled, successful you.
3) Full of regrets:
A journey to past could be journey to Hell if you don't get over the regrets. There's no hard disk in Universe where our past is stored.
There's no trace of the past, other than what is playing in your mind.
If you want to carry the past, then pick the good times. Why stuff your mind with something bad thats no longer there. Leave space for happy moments and enjoy NOW.
4) FEAR
“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”
The fearful thought of facing a Tiger can be more torturing than facing the Tiger itself.
Fear can be a survival instinct, and we can use it to be cautious while living, but we don't have to stop living coz of it.
In a cartoon show, Fear was pictured as a Tiger made of fire.
The more you get scared and avoid facing it, the bigger and dangerous it becomes.
But face it with courage and the Fire tiger becomes smaller and smaller and poof, its gone and there comes your victory!!!

Enough talk about Hell.
The Hell you might be in right now is Heaven in disguise waiting to be unmasked by your true self...

H for Hell or H for Heaven. Its upto you to make the choice.

"'Heaven is not a place, and it is not a time. Heaven is being perfect" (quote by Richard Bach, my favourite author. )
And being perfect means being Yourself....

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.”

Forms of English

How many different forms of English do you know?

"British English and American English" - If thats your answer, then, Hello and Welcome to India.
Here each state has its own style of English...
Kerala English, TN English, AP English, Orissa English, Bengal English, Karnataka English..... (i've noticed only these varieties but i bet there are far more out here)
English flavoured with the native language spice.

When we were in school, we were under the impression that speaking "Perfect English" w/o any trace of local accent is the ultimate goal.
Years later, entered into the magical world of IT. The perfect meeting place for people from different states.
It was such a surprise then to realise that English can be pronounced in so many ways and still sound so perfect and musical.
If you don't agree, just stand back and listen.
Take out the nativity and English here in India will never be the same.

My personal favorites - the way "sh" is converted to "s" in Orissa style, and the pronunciation of words with "o" in Kerala style.

I hope that these native English flavours will remain forever and ever and ever....


*************************************************************************************
Panda, this one's dedicated to you, for letting me tease and laugh everytime at your accent and not teasing me back for my native English :)

Two new books

After reading so many, many suspense and romance novels, finally my mind signalled its time to read something sensible and refreshing.
So here's the two books on my immediate must-read list.
Always wanted to read them since many years but somehow postponed.

1) Gitanjali - Rabindranath Tagore
2) War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

Hearing the titles itself sounds exciting and peaceful at the same time.
Off I go now to start reading.
Happy reading to me and See ya later!!!

The Monkey Chase

It all happened when I was in school. When I was around 12yrs old.
My school was a pretty nice old fashioned big place with a spacious playground bordered with trees and lined with grass.
Girls school. Everyone from the principal to the gatekeeper were women.
Just thinking of that place takes me back in time and forget what i was talking about in the first place.
Focus now, and back to the current topic. The day of 'The Monkey Chase'.

It was a day like any other.
8 periods of academic blah blah with a 1hr lunch break and 2 breaks of 15min each, during morning and post lunch sessions.
During the breaks we used to run to the ground and play to the hearts content forgetting for a brief while about exams and homeworks.
And this day was no different.
We, a small group of 6 friends, placed a bet among ourselves as to who would be the first to reach the other end of the ground.
No sooner was it said, than we started racing each other.
My best friend and myself were in the leading when she suddenly stopped running, closed her ears and screamed.
I too stopped running and looked in the direction where she was staring.
And what i saw made me too scared to even scream.
A big monkey (i don't remember its exact size but it appeared really scary, a King Kong in 3D) was running towards us with a really angry expression on its face.
(BTW it was then that i realised how lively and expressive a monkey's face can be)
Turned out there were a group of monkeys scattered among the trees on the other end. The place where we were headed, there was a baby monkey and mama monkey was coming to shoo the intruders, namely my friends and me, away from the baby.

In that moment everything came flashing back.
The little things we missed noticing when we set out on our dangerous race.
The things like how the usually busy ground was empty at that time, how all the other girls stuck to the safe side of the ground, the shouts of warning and caution from the others when we started running towards the monkeys...
We were so lost in the race that we noticed none of this and focused on the goal... talk about determination and concentration!!!

Now, the race was still on - but in reverse direction and I was in last place... the farthest from the gatekeeper's (aaya, we called her) safe room and nearest to the angry mama monkey.
There are moments in Life, moments like this which test our faith in God.
I thought of Lord Hanuman and chanted his name over and over.
I closed my eyes and ran and ran as fast as my feet could carry me.
I didn't open my eyes till i fell down near aaya's room.
I got up immediately, even before my brain registered the fall and the bruise on the knee, and ran away from the monkey's straight path and towards the shelter of the room.

Mama monkey reached this side where we all girls were huddled together, bud didn't approach any of us.
She just went back at leisurely pace back to her side of the ground.

Maybe she couldn't identify her targets among the big crowd of girls dressed alike in school uniform of white shirts and blue tunics.
Maybe she just wanted to enjoy chasing us and didn't mean to harm us.
Maybe Hanuman ji heard my prayer and signaled her to stop chasing.
So many maybes, but what actually stopped the monkey when she could easily outrun us is still a wonder to me.

What happened next is all a blur to me now.
I just remember walking back to our classroom, with a huge sense of relief and the excited feeling of an adventuress.

To this day, every time i see a monkey, i feel the urge of wanting to close my eyes and run and run...
I control the instinct to run and walk steadily, with a mute replay of 'The Monkey Chase' in my mind.
And once i safely walk past them, i once again recapture the huge sense of relief and the excited feeling of an adventuress.