Most of the time, I suppress the negative side of me- the anger, jealousy, stubbornness, etc. etc.
Suppress them from coming into public view, that is.
Those close to me will definitely have atleast a glimpse of it, and maybe coz of it they are close to me.
All the years I've thought that being a "good" girl is a admirable goal.
But that goal has been so tiresome and depressing.
Its such a burden to be labelled a good person and look within myself to see all those negative traits.
Thanks to the books i've read and people i've met, i've come to realise that the so-called negative things are not so bad after all.
I can still feel them... I can see them but knowing that i can the control them (uhm, sometimes) is so self-satisfying, that am kind of proud to be myself.
I just keep one thing in mind.
Its tough to label myself as good and then notice and suppress the faults in me.
Instead, I see myself as bad and notice and be proud of the good in me :)
Twisted thinking, but works for me.
Kind of Glass half empty/full theory.
And the ultimate goal is not to be good or bad.. but to be myself.. the authentic ME. Right?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Full Circle
In school Maths class, there were questions like, given two formula "a" and "b" prove a=b.
So we would start out operating on "a", and applying all the theorems we know, try to bring out "b" from twisting and transforming "a".
Sometimes the end result of those transformations lead back to "a"... Hence we end up proving, a=a. :)
It was worth the laugh to realise we spent all that time, effort and theorems, go full circle and come back to prove a=a
In search of God, i keep reading so many books, keep looking out to find Him...for some secret access code and it ultimately leads back to oneself.
Read any religious book, somewhere or other you'll find that statement, that God can be found only in oneself, and not outside...
Travel full circle, and back to oneself agn.
I don't exactly know whats the common point between the maths theorem and the search for God.
Somehow my mind links those two as similar.... perhaps its the point that start and end points were same in both context, so posted them here in same place....
So we would start out operating on "a", and applying all the theorems we know, try to bring out "b" from twisting and transforming "a".
Sometimes the end result of those transformations lead back to "a"... Hence we end up proving, a=a. :)
It was worth the laugh to realise we spent all that time, effort and theorems, go full circle and come back to prove a=a
In search of God, i keep reading so many books, keep looking out to find Him...for some secret access code and it ultimately leads back to oneself.
Read any religious book, somewhere or other you'll find that statement, that God can be found only in oneself, and not outside...
Travel full circle, and back to oneself agn.
I don't exactly know whats the common point between the maths theorem and the search for God.
Somehow my mind links those two as similar.... perhaps its the point that start and end points were same in both context, so posted them here in same place....
Friday, July 16, 2010
The road less travelled...
Yesterday eve, I was waiting to catch an auto home. Usual fare is Rs.80, which is 20 more than the auto meter charge BTW.
Few of autowalas ask 100+ which is not so surprising as the area I work is full of IT companies. And people usually have the impression that IT ppl will spend any amount uselessly, which is partially true ofcourse.
Finally this auto came and the driver after thinking a minute over the area and the fare I said, he accepted.
I got into it with relief coz the driver looked decent.
I observed that the more calm and decent the driver looks then the lesser they complain about the fare or traffic.
What I didn't realise then was how the drive home would turn out to be...
The normal routine shortest distance route is usually busy. Traffic jams common.
So when the driver took another route, I was not surprised and didn't ask him anything.
But the change of route didn't end there.
He took so many turns and totally unknown roads to me that I was wondering whether he heard me right about the address.
Still I decided to trust the guys instinct and didn't ask him.
Primary reason being the new route was so much better... Full of green.. Wild grass on the side of the roads, bumpy countryside roads, and trees all around.
Tough to spot such area in middle of a busy city.
There was no blaring music in the auto. The driver was silent. I was silent.
And blissful peace all around.
There were a few passerbys along the road-couple of bikes and cars here and there...so it didn't feel dangerous or risky.
I didn't see the time it took to reach home.
It was definitely a longer route. But totally worth the time and distance.
Not a single traffic signal all the way long.
I paid the money gratefully and complimented him on the new route.
As I write this, I silently thank the driver for showing me such a rich green route home.
******************************************************************************
"...
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
..."
((From the famous poem "The Road Less Traveled" by Robert Frost))
Few of autowalas ask 100+ which is not so surprising as the area I work is full of IT companies. And people usually have the impression that IT ppl will spend any amount uselessly, which is partially true ofcourse.
Finally this auto came and the driver after thinking a minute over the area and the fare I said, he accepted.
I got into it with relief coz the driver looked decent.
I observed that the more calm and decent the driver looks then the lesser they complain about the fare or traffic.
What I didn't realise then was how the drive home would turn out to be...
The normal routine shortest distance route is usually busy. Traffic jams common.
So when the driver took another route, I was not surprised and didn't ask him anything.
But the change of route didn't end there.
He took so many turns and totally unknown roads to me that I was wondering whether he heard me right about the address.
Still I decided to trust the guys instinct and didn't ask him.
Primary reason being the new route was so much better... Full of green.. Wild grass on the side of the roads, bumpy countryside roads, and trees all around.
Tough to spot such area in middle of a busy city.
There was no blaring music in the auto. The driver was silent. I was silent.
And blissful peace all around.
There were a few passerbys along the road-couple of bikes and cars here and there...so it didn't feel dangerous or risky.
I didn't see the time it took to reach home.
It was definitely a longer route. But totally worth the time and distance.
Not a single traffic signal all the way long.
I paid the money gratefully and complimented him on the new route.
As I write this, I silently thank the driver for showing me such a rich green route home.
******************************************************************************
"...
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
..."
((From the famous poem "The Road Less Traveled" by Robert Frost))
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Vision of God
I love watching old telugu movies which have lots of 'maaya'. magic - good or bad form...
Esp. the ones with stories from religious books...
In all the movies, the part I loved best is the common ending... with the beloved Deity appearing before the devotee in shining form, with all bells ringing...
When I was a kid, i wondered how it would be if that happened to me.
I was humble and realistic enough even then to realise that it won't happen to me in waking moments.
So, just wondered if I can see God is my dreams if I keep chanting His name over and over throughout the day... Seriously, I believed that, if somehow I begged Him to bless me with a vision, He'll surely appear in the dream...
Arnd 11yrs old and full of curiosity, eagerness and excitement at such a thought. I finally fixed a day to think of God whole day. But somehow day was spent in playing, so i decided atleast an hour before sleep should be good enough time to chant.
I lied down on bed, closed and started thinking of Lord Shiv, and kept repeating the name silently in mind.
But after 10 min of doing so, a panic wave hit me.
What if really God appeared in my dreams??!!!
How will He look like. The bright image and bells ringing which looked awesome on TV, somehow sounded scary in that silent dark night when everyone else was sleeping.
Full of fear that i might actually get such vision, i stopped chanting and tried to go to sleep.
All the time, sincerely requesting God not to show me any such dream, no matter how great and wonderful it is.
After lots of tossing and turning in bed, finally went to sleep.
Routine dreamless sleep.
And woke up with relief.
When i think back of that day, i laugh at how scared I was that night...Seeing God scared me as much as seeing a ghost :) ....
Somewhere up above, God must have had a hearty laugh at my state too....
Esp. the ones with stories from religious books...
In all the movies, the part I loved best is the common ending... with the beloved Deity appearing before the devotee in shining form, with all bells ringing...
When I was a kid, i wondered how it would be if that happened to me.
I was humble and realistic enough even then to realise that it won't happen to me in waking moments.
So, just wondered if I can see God is my dreams if I keep chanting His name over and over throughout the day... Seriously, I believed that, if somehow I begged Him to bless me with a vision, He'll surely appear in the dream...
Arnd 11yrs old and full of curiosity, eagerness and excitement at such a thought. I finally fixed a day to think of God whole day. But somehow day was spent in playing, so i decided atleast an hour before sleep should be good enough time to chant.
I lied down on bed, closed and started thinking of Lord Shiv, and kept repeating the name silently in mind.
But after 10 min of doing so, a panic wave hit me.
What if really God appeared in my dreams??!!!
How will He look like. The bright image and bells ringing which looked awesome on TV, somehow sounded scary in that silent dark night when everyone else was sleeping.
Full of fear that i might actually get such vision, i stopped chanting and tried to go to sleep.
All the time, sincerely requesting God not to show me any such dream, no matter how great and wonderful it is.
After lots of tossing and turning in bed, finally went to sleep.
Routine dreamless sleep.
And woke up with relief.
When i think back of that day, i laugh at how scared I was that night...Seeing God scared me as much as seeing a ghost :) ....
Somewhere up above, God must have had a hearty laugh at my state too....
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Fresher in IT...
After almost 6 yrs in IT now, am trying to recollect the first few days as a fresher in IT...
Here's the list of memorable times for me as a newbie in IT...
Here's the list of memorable times for me as a newbie in IT...
- Seeing my first company for the first time: Reached Bangalore a week before the joining date. Then just to familiarise myself with the office area, went on auto and in passing saw the building... Glass building, 8 floors, uniformed security near gate, and with the name of the company displayed with logo on the front side of building... I was filled with awe and a sense of pride, which i doubt even if the owner of the building or company would have ever felt...
- First lunch at cafetaria: 2 roti, variety-rice, white rice, dal, curry, rasam, sambhar, curd, pickle, papad, sweet, salad. What more can anyone ask for, was my first thought. Looked as good as a marriage feast to me then. I thought i'll never be satisfied with simple home meal again after getting used to this kind of "luxury". (What happens later on, after months or days of eating at office, well, that you all know)
- First company badge: Oooh, this one should have gone for first in list, but let it remain here in sequence. Collected company employee badge, smiled at my photo and name on it, wore it round my neck the very next moment. The bride who is just having the sacred thread tied around her neck, similar kind of feeling, i should say. So proud and happy....
- Freshers Training: A carefree relaxed 40 days training. Get to be trained in so many applications and technologies. Awesome training material-the books still on proud display at home. The best time in freshers life to make new friends for Life. Plus Lunch free, free, free!!!
Monday, June 21, 2010
A Reason to Smile...
When someone smiles or says they are happy, the first question pops up is "Why? What happened?"
But do we really need a reason to smile.. to be happy?
A smile is something which comes naturally to us... noone ever teaches us that...
Look how the baby smiles.. the best smile ever... who in Heaven's name taught something so beautiful and breath-taking to a newly born baby!!!...
Years pass by, and the spontaneous free natural smile of a baby gets replaced by a more polished expression which comes once in a while when we have a proper "reason" to celebrate something...
A reason to frown, yes, needed... but reason to smile?
Next time you catch yourself smiling for no reason, instead of questioning 'Why', replace it with 'Why not?' and keep smiling...
But do we really need a reason to smile.. to be happy?
A smile is something which comes naturally to us... noone ever teaches us that...
Look how the baby smiles.. the best smile ever... who in Heaven's name taught something so beautiful and breath-taking to a newly born baby!!!...
Years pass by, and the spontaneous free natural smile of a baby gets replaced by a more polished expression which comes once in a while when we have a proper "reason" to celebrate something...
A reason to frown, yes, needed... but reason to smile?
Next time you catch yourself smiling for no reason, instead of questioning 'Why', replace it with 'Why not?' and keep smiling...
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Journey to Hell
Have you seen the tamil movie Anniyan (dubbed as Aparichit/Aparichithudu in Hindi/Telugu).
In the movie, Garuda Puranam is quoted to have a list of sins which will lead to Hell and the kind of punishments which the 'sinners' have to face.
Till date, I've not been able to figure out a consistent definition for "Sin".
One thing I know - the most terrible sin out there is not being true to oneself.
And the punishment for that? A lifetime of Hell.... until you realise and find out your true self and go back to Heaven.
Hell is a state of mind. And here's the list of common "sins" which leads to it:
1) Being depressed:
Depression is the mindstate where the longer you stay in it, the lower you sink..
Like quicksand... pulls you in and in...
Even if there are friends around willing to pull you out and extend their hands, its YOU who have to reach out and help yourself out.
Lose the will to get out, then noone, repeat, noone can really help you.
The secret mantra to drive it out is "This too will pass". No matter how tough the situation may seem, its not going to last forever. "This too will pass"....
2) Self-degradation:
The quickest way to reach Hell is to let yourself down all the time. Every unkind word you say and believe against yourself, is one step towards Hell. People say there's a spark of God in each of us. Blame yourself and you blame the spark too.
Stop the blame game, on yourself and on others and feels how it feels to be YOU. a happy, fulfilled, successful you.
3) Full of regrets:
A journey to past could be journey to Hell if you don't get over the regrets. There's no hard disk in Universe where our past is stored.
There's no trace of the past, other than what is playing in your mind.
If you want to carry the past, then pick the good times. Why stuff your mind with something bad thats no longer there. Leave space for happy moments and enjoy NOW.
4) FEAR
“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”
The fearful thought of facing a Tiger can be more torturing than facing the Tiger itself.
Fear can be a survival instinct, and we can use it to be cautious while living, but we don't have to stop living coz of it.
In a cartoon show, Fear was pictured as a Tiger made of fire.
The more you get scared and avoid facing it, the bigger and dangerous it becomes.
But face it with courage and the Fire tiger becomes smaller and smaller and poof, its gone and there comes your victory!!!
Enough talk about Hell.
The Hell you might be in right now is Heaven in disguise waiting to be unmasked by your true self...
H for Hell or H for Heaven. Its upto you to make the choice.
"'Heaven is not a place, and it is not a time. Heaven is being perfect" (quote by Richard Bach, my favourite author. )
And being perfect means being Yourself....
“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.”
In the movie, Garuda Puranam is quoted to have a list of sins which will lead to Hell and the kind of punishments which the 'sinners' have to face.
Till date, I've not been able to figure out a consistent definition for "Sin".
One thing I know - the most terrible sin out there is not being true to oneself.
And the punishment for that? A lifetime of Hell.... until you realise and find out your true self and go back to Heaven.
Hell is a state of mind. And here's the list of common "sins" which leads to it:
1) Being depressed:
Depression is the mindstate where the longer you stay in it, the lower you sink..
Like quicksand... pulls you in and in...
Even if there are friends around willing to pull you out and extend their hands, its YOU who have to reach out and help yourself out.
Lose the will to get out, then noone, repeat, noone can really help you.
The secret mantra to drive it out is "This too will pass". No matter how tough the situation may seem, its not going to last forever. "This too will pass"....
2) Self-degradation:
The quickest way to reach Hell is to let yourself down all the time. Every unkind word you say and believe against yourself, is one step towards Hell. People say there's a spark of God in each of us. Blame yourself and you blame the spark too.
Stop the blame game, on yourself and on others and feels how it feels to be YOU. a happy, fulfilled, successful you.
3) Full of regrets:
A journey to past could be journey to Hell if you don't get over the regrets. There's no hard disk in Universe where our past is stored.
There's no trace of the past, other than what is playing in your mind.
If you want to carry the past, then pick the good times. Why stuff your mind with something bad thats no longer there. Leave space for happy moments and enjoy NOW.
4) FEAR
“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”
The fearful thought of facing a Tiger can be more torturing than facing the Tiger itself.
Fear can be a survival instinct, and we can use it to be cautious while living, but we don't have to stop living coz of it.
In a cartoon show, Fear was pictured as a Tiger made of fire.
The more you get scared and avoid facing it, the bigger and dangerous it becomes.
But face it with courage and the Fire tiger becomes smaller and smaller and poof, its gone and there comes your victory!!!
Enough talk about Hell.
The Hell you might be in right now is Heaven in disguise waiting to be unmasked by your true self...
H for Hell or H for Heaven. Its upto you to make the choice.
"'Heaven is not a place, and it is not a time. Heaven is being perfect" (quote by Richard Bach, my favourite author. )
And being perfect means being Yourself....
“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.”
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